


our capacity for love increases

by orphan_account



Category: It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia
Genre: Coming Out, Getting Together, Lesbian Dee, M/M, Mutual Pining, Unreliable Narrator, dumb idiots, season thirteen fix it
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-09-17
Updated: 2019-09-17
Packaged: 2020-10-20 15:53:51
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 8,091
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20677973
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account
Summary: i try, i do. i try and try. a happy ending? sure enough- hello darling. welcome home. -saying your names, richard sikenin which dennis comes back and mac isn’t sure what to feel.(title from griffin mcelroy)





	our capacity for love increases

Mac meets Dennis when they’re fourteen and fifteen, respectively. They were both nicer to each other back then, softer around the edges and sweeter than the candy they stole from the corner store. Dennis was still just as weird, though. When he got high he would talk and talk and talk about Greek gods and power and legends and this one time about Icarus. He had leaned so far into Mac talking about flying too close and burning that Mac started crying. 

(Dennis had clung onto Mac for fifteen minutes in some sort of awkward attempt at a hug before getting up and leaving without a word. They don’t talk about it, just like they don’t talk about most things that happen when they’re alone and high.)

Mac moves in with Dennis when they’re twenty-one and twenty-two, respectively. It’s the first time Mac feels like whoever’s living with him _ wants _to live with him. They have movie night and Dennis drives Mac to work every morning and he even makes dinner sometimes, too. He doesn’t usually eat it but that’s okay. Mac can’t really talk about being obsessed with your body. Every morning he looks at his twink body in the mirror and frowns. It doesn’t matter if Dennis is as skinny as he claims he wants to be, that Mac can loop his fingers around Dennis’s wrist so that they touch, that his ribs look like they’re ready to burst through the skin. Dennis can take care of himself. If something was wrong, Mac would know. 

Mac falls in love with Dennis sometime in the twenty-five years they spend together. He doesn’t call it love at first, of course. He doesn’t call it love up until probably the twentieth year, and even then he whispers, thinks it, crushes it down into anger and yelling and eating too much and definitely not thinking about Dennis when he jerks off. 

At first, he calls it _ friendship. Blood brothers. _ When Dennis touches him and he’s allowed to touch him back, Mac calls it _ trust. _ When Dennis doesn’t even let him lay a hand on his shoulder, he calls it _ betrayal. _He pretends that there isn’t a word for what he and Dennis are, that not friends nor brothers nor soulmates could describe their bond. No, Mac holds onto the idea that he and Dennis are beyond labels, beyond words. 

That is, until Dennis leaves.

The word Mac uses then is _ bitch, goddamn selfish son of a bitch. _He spends days in the bar, working and scheming and turning his head to say something to Dennis before shutting his mouth with a clock of frustration. He spends nights in Dennis’s room (his room, what was going to be their room) but the pillows don’t smell like him anymore so there’s really no point in any of it. Mac convinces himself that if he imagines hard enough, he can feel Dennis sleeping next to him. 

He spends all of his time pretending like he doesn’t care. He’s fine without Dennis, really and truly _ fine. _ Dennis was super mean to him anyways, and now he doesn’t have to wait for the shower in the morning or worry about someone finishing off the creamer or anything like that. But now he has to come home to an empty apartment and watch _ Predator _ by himself. Now there’s no hand on his shoulder when he blows up or voice in his ear when he cries during prayer. 

We’re getting ahead of ourselves. 

Mac falls in love with Dennis sometime in the twenty-five years they spend together. He finds a thousand different ways to love him, ways that Dennis will allow. He writes love letters in trips to the farmer’s market where they pick out fruit and weird shit to put around the apartment. He says a thousand silent _ I love you’s _when he restocks the body wash and toothpaste without Dennis even asking. He proposes each time they go to Guigino’s and he picks up the bill. (He always tries extra hard to save so Dennis won’t get stressed out about spending too much in one place.)

Mac wants to kiss Dennis. Mac doesn’t realize he wants to kiss Dennis until much too late, but even then he never does. He never reaches out, he never puts all his cards on the table. 

When Dennis comes over unannounced the night Dee gets hospitalized, Mac doesn’t kiss him. He lets Dennis crawl into his bed. He holds him as he shakes and mumbles and digs his nails into Mac’s arms, he holds him after he falls asleep smelling like sweat and too many cigarettes. 

When Mac comes back from a particularly bad visit with his dad, he doesn’t kiss Dennis until he feels better. Dennis rents _ Top Gun _, and they press together from shoulder to ankle and laugh at the bad acting. At the end of the night they go to their separate rooms, but there’s no fighting or arguing or screaming, so Mac considers it a win. 

When Dennis falls to the floor of the Family Fight stage, crying and hugging himself, Mac does not coax him back to the present with kisses and sweet nothings. He helps Dennis up and wordlessly drives him to their apartment. He gives Dennis a beer and an aspirin, turns on whatever episode of _ Hell’s Kitchen _they left off on, and leaves him the fuck alone. 

It gets harder as they get older, both to not kiss Dennis and to live with Dennis at all. 

The longest Dennis goes without touching Mac is thirty-seven days (he counted), and by the end of it Mac is so desperate for any sort of sign that Dennis still likes him that he reaches across the table during monthly dinner and takes his hand. Dennis stares at their joined hands for a second. His mouth opens and closes, face becoming increasingly red. Mac loudly begins to talk about what he’s thinking about ordering and _ you should get some pasta, dude, you need the carbs _which effectively snaps Dennis back to reality so he can argue that the last things he needs is fucking carbs. Sometime in the argument Dennis starts stroking the top of Mac’s knuckles with his thumb. Mac smiles for the rest of the night. 

Things are kind of different after Mac Day, after Frank flushes Country Mac down the toilet, but Dennis is still there and so is Mac and the bar is still standing and despite everything, the apartment is still home. (Even after it burns down, when Dee’s apartment becomes home, because anywhere that Dennis is Mac has learned to call home.) 

So, when Dennis leaves and decides that Mac and the gang and Paddy’s isn’t enough for him after all, Mac, rightfully so, feels pretty fucking angry all the time. He goes to the gym every day and lifts weights until he can’t feel his arms, then runs on the treadmill until he can’t feel his legs.

He spends more time with Carmen. He does research on transitioning and transgender history because he wants to understand, and Carmen is more than happy to help out. He talks about Dennis for the most part, and it should be weird but it just _ isn’t. _She’s surprisingly warm and understanding, and so is her husband. Their son calls him “Uncle Mac” and it feels like enough. 

He doesn’t call Dennis. He doesn’t write him letters, he doesn’t text him every night to check in and he does _ not _ pick up guys at The Rainbow who have curly brown hair and baby blue eyes. 

Mac moves on with grace and gusto. Mac harvests his mass and gets ripped. Mac avoids their apartment as much as he possibly can and he doesn’t consider this to be weird at all.

So, when Dennis comes back after six months with a suitcase in hand and a nervous smile, Mac shuts the door in his face. 

It’s partially because he has some twunk in his bed, but it’s also because it’s the first time he’s seen Dennis in _ six months. _When he opens the door to kick the guy out, Dennis is sitting on the other side of the hallway, arms wrapped around his knees. As he watches Mac’s date angrily walk down the hall, something unreadable passes over his face. Mac doesn’t feel like analyzing Dennis (or even seeing him at all), so he just jerks his head towards the apartment and walks back in, hoping Dennis follows. Dennis sits down on the couch but Mac stays standing, leaning against the doorframe of his bedroom. 

“So,” Dennis begins.

“So,” Mac says, angrily.

“I’m back.”

“I see that.”

They sit in uncomfortable silence for awhile. Mac doesn’t know what to say. Mac doesn’t think _ he _ should have to say anything. Dennis is the one who walked out on everyone. (On him. On _ them.) _

“The apartment looks nice,” Dennis says quietly after a minute. Mac rolls his eyes.

“Oh my God, dude. Will you just-“ he stops himself, takes a deep breath. He’s done this enough to know that when Dennis is being cagey, the last thing to do is shout at him. He thinks about Dennis yelling _ ”I have big feelings!” _and he softens. Just a bit. “Just either tell me what the hell is going on, or shut the fuck up.”

Dennis blinks up at him, and for the first time in six months, Mac lets himself admit how much he missed him. Something in his stomach pulls, and he moves to sit down next to him. 

“I wanted to come back. That’s all.”

“Didn’t you leave to raise a kid or something?”

Dennis visibly winces. 

“Mandy didn’t want uh…. she didn’t want to have anything to do with me.”

There’s something raw and vulnerable in the way Dennis turns towards Mac to look at him as he says that. Something he must have learned in North Dakota because by now, Old Dennis would have stood up and screamed at Mac to leave him alone. 

Mac knows he’s full of shit. Mac wants to call him out on it. 

“That sucks, dude,” is what he ends up saying. Dennis just nods. 

“I went to uh, therapy, for awhile. Tried to figure out-” he waves his hand next to his head “-all this.”

  
“Oh.”

Mac had gone to therapy once a week for two months, and then never again. He thinks about Dennis sitting on a leather couch and telling some stranger everything he never told Mac. His stomach twists with anger. 

“I’m sorry, Mac.”

“What?”

“For- for treating you like shit these past, God, twenty-five fucking years? For as long as I’ve known you, I-”

“Stop.”

Dennis’s eyebrows shoot up, and Mac almosts laughs. He hates hearing Dennis talk like this. He just wanted him back, he didn’t want a New and Improved version that understood “consequences” and “blame” and spoke softly and made eye contact. 

“Just, shut the fuck up, okay? I don’t care,” Mac says. It feels all heavy in his throat, like he has a cold. 

“I’m trying to-”

“Den, I don’t- you’re forgiven, okay? I forgive you. There. Now, can we move on?”

He hasn’t called Dennis _ Den _in so long. It makes Dennis’s face crumple for a second. The vein in his forehead makes an appearance. He grinds his teeth together for a second before turning away from Mac to glare at the wall. 

“I’m trying to be nice, asshole,” Dennis spits.

“Yeah? Well, stop it. It’s annoying.”

“So, you’d rather I be mean? You’d rather I fucking _ abuse _you, Mac? God, what the fuck is wrong with you?”

Mac just sits there, letting Dennis’s words wash over him. He feels blank, perfectly empty in the face of Dennis’s rage and that’s how he knows something has gone horribly wrong. He scrambles for a second to find a feeling, a fleeting sensation of anger or sadness or biting bitterness. Instead, he finds warm nothing, like honey running through his fingers. 

“I told you I fed you a dead dog, idiot. Listen, it’s great that you went to therapy or whatever, and if you wanna get more better here, too, that’s cool. But you can’t just act like this the second you get back.”

_ I can’t stand it, _he almost says.

“It’s good to have you back, Dennis. It really is. But I don’t want to _ fix _ this. It’s not _ broken. _Even if your pussy ass therapist said it was. We’re fine. We’ve been fine for two fucking decades. Let’s just watch a movie and get drunk or something, dude. Fuck. Let’s just hang out.”

Dennis nods, his jaw still tense. Mac’s not sure what to do now. He shifts closer to Dennis, puts a hand on his shoulder, smiles.

“I really am glad your back, bro.”

Dennis looks like he’s about to break, but he just gives Mac a tight smile and nods.

They order Chinese takeout and Dennis snorts when Mac gets up to go get a fork because after _ eighteen years of the same goddamn routine _he still hasn’t learned how to use chopsticks. 

They watch a movie. Not _ Predator _ or _ Thundergun, _that feels like too much. It’s some dumb 80’s chick-flick that Mac’s never heard of. 

“It’s just, that girl is _ obviously _a lesbian. Like, are you kidding me? And the ending totally comes out of nowhere!”

Dennis’s legs are in Mac’s lap. Mac jostles his leg a bit as he speaks, and it makes Dennis smile. His expression turns thoughtful pretty quickly, though, as he considers what Mac just said. 

“I see your point. I do think it’d be better if the two girls together at the end, don’t you think?”

“Exactly!”

Mac beams at Dennis. There must be something on his face, or maybe his smile has gone a little grimacey around the edges because Dennis’s face drops and he looks scared. Not _ scared, _but like something has creeped up on him and he doesn’t know what. Mac cocks his head a bit, and his hand stills on Dennis’s leg. 

“You good, Den?” he asks, hesitant and soft, like he’s talking to one of the alley cats they get sometimes. And again with the nickname. Mac can’t help himself now that Dennis is back, here and whole and real. 

“I’m tired,” Dennis says suddenly. “I’m tired. Let’s- I wanna go to bed.”

He stands up hastily. He looks towards the bedroom, and realizes _ oh. _ Oh, _ right. _

“Mac, I can’t-“

“I’ll take the couch. No biggie,” Mac says smoothly. He doesn’t want to hear whatever Dennis _ can’t _do. Dennis isn’t someone who can’t do stuff. He pushes his thoughts aside so he doesn’t give himself a migraine. 

Dennis stands halfway between Mac and the doorway of the bedroom. He hesitates, only for a second before stiffly walking into the room and shutting the door. Thank God all of the extra blankets are in the spare room, anyways. 

Mac settles in on the couch. He listens to Dennis shuffle around for a while, obviously trying to slip back into a routine he doesn’t know anymore. 

**_______________________**

Dennis’s reunion with the gang is, as expected, much less eventful. Dee just smirks a bit and wordlessly opens him a beer, obviously the only “Welcome Home” present he’ll be receiving. Charlie pats him on the shoulder before going down to the basement. Frank is asleep. 

“Good to be back,” Dennis mumbles so only Mac can hear. They chuckle and roll their eyes in unison. 

Six months isn’t forever. Things won’t be weird for much longer. They aren’t even really all that weird, at least up until Dee gets a call from _ her girlfriend. _

“So I leave,” Dennis starts. He’s grinding his teeth again. Mac resists the urge to tell him to stop. “And everyone is just gay all of a sudden? Just like that?”

“Well, to be fair, I was gay before you left,” Mac says. It doesn’t do anything to smooth out the furrow of Dennis’s brow. 

“Whatever.”

Dennis throws his hands up, defeated, done arguing. Dee gives him a mild sneer that has no real malice behind it. He flips her off. 

That’s different, Mac notes. Normally, Dennis would have dragged out that argument for at least two hours. Instead, he seems perfectly content to mess around on his phone and nurse a beer. Mac shrugs it off. It’s not like he _ wants _to argue with Dennis for the better part of the work day it’s just… it’s weird, is all. 

Dee leaves soon after, presumably to go meet Caylee. Her _ girlfriend. _

_ (“The fucking pharmacist? From like, ten years ago? _

_ “Oh, yeah, dude. Big ol’ lesbian. Said I was a way better lay than you, too,” Dee had said, though her expression stayed fond and sweet. Dennis fake gagged and Dee rolled her eyes.) _

Dennis still looks like he wants to fight about it; his mouth is pressed into a thin, white line and his hands are practically shaking. 

Dee gives Dennis a look before she leaves, one that resembles a _ we’ll talk about later _ kind of glance. He visibly tenses. 

“How about darts?” Mac says, way too loud. Dennis wrinkles his nose. 

“No,” he bites out. Charlie shrugs, nodding. 

Mac and Charlie spend the next two hours playing darts while Dennis looks on, a fond smile daring to tug at his mouth, one that looks a lot like Dee’s had when she was talking about Caylee. Mac has no idea what to make of _ that. _

Of all the things he’s noticed about Dennis today, the observation he’s most proud of is how _ soft _ Dennis looks. He’s wearing an old t-shirt, the black lettering hard to read against the olive background. _ Happy St. Patty’s Day! _

His hair isn’t full of product, either. It’s starting to curl around his ears and collar, and Mac knows he’ll bitch about it but be too lazy to go and get it cut. But it looks silky smooth, regardless. Mac watches as Dennis runs his hand through it, eyes snagging on Dennis’s long fingers, his knuckles so sharp under the skin. 

Mac misses the dart board completely on his next turn. Charlie moans and groans about having to patch up the hole, and even though Mac knows it’s all a lie, he doesn’t care. Because Dennis looks at him and rolls his eyes exasperatedly, but not before he grins at Mac like he’d just gotten ten bullseyes in a row. 

Mac folds it up and slips it somewhere in his mind for safekeeping. For a rainy day. 

**_______________________**

The calm lasts about forty-two hours. Mac opens the door to the apartment after a trip to the Wawa for chapstick and protein powder, and Dee rushes out. Dennis is yelling something after her but his voice sounds hollow and far away, even to Mac. Dee stops about halfway down the hallway and spins around to face Mac. Her eyes are wild, her upper lip curled, and she looks too much like Dennis. 

“Good fucking luck dealing with him. Remind me to never try to do something nice for either of you, ever again,” she hisses. She turns again on her heel and stalks off. Mac looks between the open door and Dee’s clenched fists down the hallway and takes a deep breath. 

“Den?” Mac asks into the apartment cautiously. He clutches the grocery bags close to his chest. 

All he hears in return is the sharp slam of a bedroom door. He sets the bags down on the kitchen counter before walking up to Dennis’s door. He knocks once, twice. 

“Leave me the fuck alone,” Dennis yells. 

“What happened?” Mac tries, but Dennis doesn’t answer. 

Mac rolls his eyes and goes to put away the groceries. If Dennis doesn’t want to talk, that’s his problem. It’s got nothing to do with Mac. 

He sits on the couch and flips through channels, too anxious to actually choose anything. There’s something heavy sitting in his gut and it has everything to do with Dennis throwing a temper tantrum in the next room. 

All of a sudden Mac desperately wishes things could go back to normal, to how they were years ago when he first realized that he loved Dennis and he thought that Dennis might’ve loved him back. He’s so overcome with the want, the _need _to have things be put back in their proper place that he feels sick with it. If he were a real man, he would kick open Dennis’s door and tell him what he wants and who he wants and hope the words don’t taste like acid on his tongue. If he were a real man, he would have welcomed Dennis back home with open arms and a kiss and he would’ve called him _baby, baby I’m so glad you’re home, please don’t ever leave again, baby. _

Dennis emerges from his room on his own, and he looks like shit, like he’s been crying and tugging at his hair. He sits down wordlessly next to Mac, his body thrumming with tension and nerves. 

“You good, dude?” Mac asks tentatively. 

Dennis stays facing the television. His hands are resting on his knees, nails digging into the denim. His face is all screwed up, like when he realizes he doesn’t know how all the odds stack up, like nobody told him what game he’s playing. 

“Mac, I’m…”

Mac waits, stupidly expectant and hopeful. He turns himself towards Dennis a little bit more. 

“I’m gay,” Dennis says quietly. Mac’s mouth falls open.

“W-What?”

“I think I’ve known it for a long time,” he adds in lieu of addressing Mac. 

Mac just nods, dumbfounded and confused. Is this what he and Dee talked about? Did she drill and drill and drill, put her hands all over something that was supposed to be Dennis’s, make him scream it at her like it’s something to be ashamed of? That bitch, that stupid bitch. 

“Okay,” Mac says softly. Dennis turns his head towards him. 

“That’s all you have to say?”

“I mean, I’m glad you finally figured it out. Not that I had any suspicions or anything, just, I know how much it sucks to keep that in for so long.”

Dennis smiles at that, quickly turning away so Mac can’t get a good read on him. It’s not a mean smile, just a small _ I’m glad you get it _quirk of his mouth. It makes something in Mac light on fire. 

Dennis doesn’t ask any questions and neither does Mac. Well, Mac does ask if he wants to go out and celebrate, but Dennis quickly shuts it down. 

“A man in his forties celebrating his own coming out? After God knows how long of repressing himself? That’s pathetic, dude.”

“It’s a special occasion! You deserve this, man. That shit is _ hard.” _

Dennis just rolls his eyes, pretending to pay attention the television so he doesn’t have to respond to Mac. 

Mac is happy for him. He’s so ridiculously happy for him it feels like his chest is splitting in two. He’s glad Dennis figured this out. Or, at least finally told someone about it. He’s _ happy. _

“Are you gonna tell the rest of the gang?” Mac asks, breaking the silent no questions agreement for a second time. They’ve already eaten dinner, though Dennis had mostly just pushed his pasta around his plate. 

“Not right away. Not for awhile. I don’t- they’re so goddamn nosy, you know? They’re gonna make this about them, and I can’t deal with that right now.”

“Then why’d you tell me?”

Dennis looks up at him then, his eyes a little pleading. It’s the same face he gets when he tries to explain evolution to Mac, when he’s so desperate for Mac to understand something he’s practically hurting with it. 

“Cause, you know, we’re….”

He pauses. There’s something in the air in that moment, thick and electric and Mac’s blood is molten hot with it. He leans closer to Dennis without even thinking about it. 

“Yeah?” He whispers. 

“We’re blood brothers, man.” 

That one feels like a kick in the teeth. He doesn’t even know what he was expecting, what he wanted. Just because Dennis is gay doesn’t mean he’s- yeah, no. Mac should really stop being so selfish. 

“Right. Yeah. Blood brothers,” Mac says. He pulls away from Dennis and gives him a grin. Dennis nods. 

They don’t sleep in the same bed that night. They’ve forgotten to get a mattress for Mac, and Dennis doesn’t seem to be willing to switch anytime soon, so when the bedroom door closes for the night, Mac lets himself think. 

Dennis is gay. Dennis, his best buddy who he’s been in love with for forever, is gay. He’s fully capable of loving Mac back, of wanting him just as badly as Mac wants him, but he doesn’t. He doesn’t, and Mac has to accept that. He has to move on. Mac’s great at moving on. 

He was in the middle of getting over Dennis when he got back. Just because Dennis is here now doesn’t mean it’ll be any harder. Mac’s badass. He can handle this. 

**_______________________**

Dennis doesn’t tell the gang the next day. Mac expected that. It’s fun, though, to have a secret with Dennis. It feels like it’s them against the world, like they’re kids again. Mac smiles a lot that day. 

He thinks about how three out of the five of them are gay now. It makes him laugh. 

“What the fuck are you laughing about?” Dennis asks, perfectly exasperated. 

“I’ll tell you about it at home, dude,” Mac giggles. Dennis rolls his eyes. Dee looks on, and when Dennis catches her eye, she quirks an eyebrow. He scowls. 

It’s a good day. It’s boring, but it’s good. No one gets into any particularly nasty fights, though there’s an ongoing argument about putting more shit up in the bar. Charlie suggests dog paintings. 

“To make it look classy!” Charlie yells. 

“We’d have to burn the place down to make it look any nicer, idiot,” Dee snaps back. 

Mac doesn’t care. Mac doesn’t have an opinion, because Dennis won’t stop looking at him from the corner of his eye and smiling like he’s got another secret. _ Would you like to share with the class? Come on, dude, what’s got you so fucking smiley? _

He wants to shove Dennis into a corner and rough him up, grip his collar till he starts giving him answers. God, what he wouldn’t give to touch Dennis right now. 

“Mac?” Dee‘s saying somewhere in front of him. He blinks, realizes he’s been staring at a bottle of tequila for the past thirty seconds. Nobody ever orders margaritas around here. 

“What?” He says. His voice has gone all funny, though; he can’t quite get it to be mean enough. 

“What do you think? Paintings? In the bar?”

He stalls, and Dennis has this self-satisfied little smirk on his face, like he knows he pushed all of Mac’s buttons without even doing anything. 

“I don’t give a shit, Dee. We’re gonna be a gross, dirty bar no matter what. Why not embrace it?”

Dee gives him a sharp smile right as Charlie lets out a quiet shriek. The painting debate is settled with no further qualms, and they all go back to drinking their beers and bickering every now and then. Mac keeps smiling. It’s a _ good _ day.

**_______________________**

Dennis comes home plastered one night and tries to get Mac to come to bed with him. It’s not the fun kind of wasted they get together. He’s nearly in tears and there’s mascara under his eyes. He’s bitten his bottom lip bright red and Mac briefly thinks about soothing it with his own mouth. 

“Come on, man, please?” Dennis pleads. It’s like he knows exactly how to break down all of Mac’s carefully built walls of self-restraint. _ He does, _ Mac realizes. _ Goddamn son of a bitch. _

It’s entirely unfair for Dennis to look at him like _ that, _ to whine and beg and grab Mac’s upper arm and attempt to pull him to the bedroom. Mac leans forward a bit, indulging Dennis for half a second. He thinks back to learning about indulgences during the Europe unit in history. _ You can get into heaven, you just have to keep paying. Isn’t that worth it? It’s a small price. It’s nothing. _

He shrugs Dennis’s hands off of him. 

“Den, I know you’re not… look, it’s great you finally came out, but I’m not gonna be the first guy you bring to bed just ’cause it’s convenient for you.”

_ I’m not gonna be thrown away once you’re bored. _

“S'not… convenience. I want it. Want- want _ you,” _Dennis slurs, and his breath reeks, and Mac goes blind for a second. 

“I know the D.E.N.N.I.S. system when I see it. Go brush your teeth, man. I’ll get you some water.”

It takes everything in him to say those words, to deny Dennis when he’s complaint and malleable like this in his hands. But he’s not going to take advantage of his best friend, no matter how much his heart aches in his chest. He’s not like Dennis. He’s _ not. _

The walk to the kitchen, the mechanical movements of getting a glass from the cupboard and filling it with water, it helps calm Mac down a bit. He’s still breathing heavy by the time he gets to Dennis’s room but his hands aren’t shaking anymore. 

Dennis is strewn across his bed, shirt half unbuttoned and his jeans around his thighs. He’s staring up at the ceiling, quietly waiting for Mac. It hurts just a little bit.

Mac sets down the glass of water, gives Dennis a cheery _ feel better, man, _and goes to leave. Dennis grabs his wrist, pulls him in just a touch.

“I thought… thought you wanted _ this,” _Dennis says, gesturing between them. Mac freezes. Dennis won’t remember any of this tomorrow. He’s definitely blacked out, even if his speech pattern is eerily getting more clear. 

“Not like this, Den,” Mac says softly. He shakes Dennis’s hand off of him and walks out. 

He sits down on the couch, thinks about getting a beer or going out or straight up leaving all together. He would never do that to the gang, though. He’d never do that to Dennis. 

He falls asleep sitting up. Dennis wordlessly moves around him the next morning, only shaking him awake to tell him he better get dressed for work. They don’t talk about it. It’s easier this way, they think. 

Except when it’s not. 

**_______________________**

Mac doesn’t bring guys home anymore. He doesn’t even really go the Rainbow anymore, except for a drag show or two because the drinks are half off and it’s good entertainment. He never invites Dennis. He’s a regular there, he doesn’t want people _ assuming. _ It’s probably for the best, anyways. Dennis always gets really weird about gay stuff, even though he’s out now. Well, not _ out, _he still hasn’t told the gang yet. Mac assumes Dee knows, with all of her sly glances and cocky smirks like she owns the damn place. Must be a twin thing. 

(Or Dennis told her before he told Mac. The possibility makes Mac’s stomach turn.)

One day, Dennis asks point blank if Mac misses the random hookups.

“Dude, _ what?” _

“You heard me. Do you ever miss it? The anonymity? The no feelings thing?”

Mac doesn’t mention that he had a pretty serious boyfriend about two months after Dennis left. Somehow, he just can’t see it helping the conversation.

“I don’t know. I mean, it was fun, I guess. Obviously I liked the sex better.” He says the last part with a nervous chuckle. He really doesn’t want to talk about how it was like having sex for the first time, how it was just so much more _ better _and nicer and how he actually enjoyed himself for once. 

“I’ve never…“ Dennis trails off suggestively. Mac’s eyes widen.

“You’ve never been with a guy?”

Dennis nods, a curt shake of his head. 

“Oh, man, you gotta try it. It’s like… it’s so fucking good!”

“I can imagine,” Dennis says bitterly. 

There’s nothing in the world that Mac wants more than to show Dennis how _ good _it can be, that sex is fun and enjoyble and shockingly intimate when you’re actually attracted to the person.

He decides right then and there that he’ll find the perfect guy to give Dennis that experience. Even if it’s not him. And it hurts, but Mac would do anything for his best friend. 

**_______________________**

Dennis is very adamantly not interested in any gay sex Mac has to offer. He makes a whole scene at the Chinese restaurant about it, and the guy Mac had found on Grindr looks more annoyed than scared. Mac shoots the guy a cheesy apologetic grin before he walks out. 

“Dude,” Mac says on the car ride home. 

“What, Mac?” Dennis says angrily. He’s gripping the steering wheel so hard his knuckles are turning white. 

“You totally fucking blew it, bro! I was trying to help you!”

“I’m not into one night stands anymore. I’m a grown man, in case you’ve forgotten, and you are too. We’re both much too old to bring _ strangers _back to the apartment.”

“So you want a boyfriend? Is that it? You want something more serious?”

Dennis pauses for a second. Mac’s got him backed into a corner and he knows it. 

“In- In theory, yes. I would like… commitment, or something, I don’t know.”

Mac smiles at Dennis, a lightbulb popping up over his head. 

“Then let’s find you a boyfriend!”

If Dennis looks like he’s about to scream, Mac doesn’t notice. Project Badass: Find Dennis A Boyfriend is about to go into full effect. 

If Dennis angrily storms to his room and slams the door when they get home, Mac doesn’t notice. He’s already skimming his contact list looking for suitable candidates. 

**_______________________**

Project Badass: FDAB isn’t going very well. Dennis refuses to go on any blind dates, and he’s even less interested in meeting the guy beforehand. 

_ (“Has it ever occurred to you that I don’t want lifelong commitment right now? I _ just _ came out, Mac.) _

After he sends the fifth guy away because Dennis locked himself in his room, he knows he has to do something. Here he is, making an ass out of himself every Saturday just to please Dennis. And Dennis won’t as much even look at any of the beefcakes he picks out!

“Dennis, _ Dennis, _you gotta work with me here.”

“I’m not interested in any of your sloppy seconds!” Dennis hisses through the door, all venom and anger and Mac just rolls his eyes. 

“I haven’t banged any of them! Dennis, if you would just give these guys a chance-“

Dennis swings open the door. His eyes are wild, and his hair is all messed up. Mac’s sentence dies in his throat. 

“I told you what I wanted. And it’s not some goddamn twank who I’ve never met, who I’m just expected to fall in love with!”

“When did you…?”

“The night I was drunk, Mac! God, are you really that stupid?”

And that one fucking stings, hits him right in the teeth and he can’t even find anything to say back that would hurt just as much. 

“Dennis, you were blasted, I wasn’t about to let you do anything that you might regret.”

“You didn’t even say anything, Mac. You just _ left.” _

Dennis is in tears at this point, in absolute hysterics. His voice keeps cracking and his hands are stuck in claws. Horror begins to dawn on his face as Mac lets seconds tick by without saying anything. 

“Forget it. This was a bad idea, and I-“

“I didn’t go anywhere, Den. I’m always gonna be right here. Cause I… I love you, Dennis. I do.” 

_ I showed you mine, you show me yours. _

“I’ve spent the last six months trying to get over you, bro. You’re making that really hard right now,” he continues when Dennis doesn’t say anything back. 

Dennis just stands there and stares at Mac. He’s making the same face he made when Mac gave him the RPG, the one where he’s so shocked at the idea of someone loving him back that he can’t even say anything. Mac gives him a crooked smile. 

_ (“Cause I know you, man“.) _

“I never wanted you to get over me, Mac. I just…“ He doesn’t finish. He sounds out of breath. 

“It’s cool if you don’t feel the same way. You’re still my best friend, Den. No matter what. Blood brothers, right?”

“I don’t feel the same way? Mac, I asked you to come to bed with me. I don’t know how much clearer I can get.”

Dennis sounds exasperated, but in an unendingly fond way. Nothing’s changed in his voice, but now Mac can recognize the tone for what it really is. Annoyed, but full of love. Full of love for _ Mac. _It’s like Mac Day and Christmas and church all rolled into one. It makes laughter bubble in his throat. 

“C’mere, idiot,” he mumbles, and that’s what does it. It’s that giving of permission, the final confirmation that yes, this is what Mac wants, what he needs. 

Dennis rests his arms on Mac’s shoulders, burying his face in his neck. Mac wraps his arms around him. They stay there like that, hugging in Dennis’s doorway, for an obscenely long amount of time. It feels safe, like the universe has melted away and it’ll just be them two, hugging in empty light, for the rest of eternity. 

**_______________________**

The first time they kiss, Dennis complains about getting beard burn. The first time they have sex, Dennis cries a lot and grips onto Mac like if he lets go, Mac will decide this is all a mistake and walk away. (Mac would never. Because Dennis, soft and moving and flushed underneath him, is the best decision he’s ever made.)

Maybe Mac should be weirded out at Dennis crying during sex, or the way he holds Mac’s face in both hands and just stares, or how he presses against Mac like he’s trying to meld them together, but he’s not, because it’s _ Dennis. _He knew exactly what he was signing up for when he told Dennis he loves him, when he pried Dennis away from him and kissed him like a desperate fucking teenager. 

Right before Mac falls asleep, when Dennis is lying his head in his chest and their hearts are almost beating in sync, he hears Dennis whisper a tiny _ I love you, too, _into the quiet air. 

And that’s all he can ask for, really. It’s enough. It’ll always be enough with Dennis. 

**_______________________**

The next day at work is weird. Dennis doesn’t touch him, but he doesn’t ignore him, and Mac is so damn needy that it takes everything in him to not grab Dennis from behind the bar and kiss him just to feel him. 

Dennis is buzzing with it, though. He’s bouncing on the balls of his feet and he won’t stop fucking smiling, and he looks handsome and radiant, even in the dim light of Paddy’s. 

Mac is in the middle of counting the eyelashes that brush Dennis’s cheeks while he’s cutting lemons when Dee decides to say something. 

“What’re you two up to, huh?” she all but teases, like she knows something. Dennis freezes. 

“I don’t know what you’re talking about, Dee,” Dennis says calmly. 

“What the fuck ever, Dennis,” she shoots back. 

“Yeah, you two banging or something?” Frank adds from the corner booth. Mac sucks in a breath through his teeth. 

“What would ever give you that impression?” Dennis spits. 

The bar is quiet for a tense moment. They’re all waiting, bated breath. Mac gets ready to defend himself, or Dennis, or _ them, _which is something he’s not even sure how to defend. Leave it to the gang to fuck up a good thing as soon as it happens. 

Because this is always how it goes. One of them gets their hands on something pretty and shiny, and the others kick and scratch and beat at it until it’s a pile of dust at their feet. They sweep it up and move on, and it cuts something out of them each time. 

“Frankly, it’s none of any of your guys’ _ fucking business. _So what if I’m- to think that I owe any of you an explanation is ridiculous, and- and-“

“Den,” Mac says softly. That gets Dennis to exhale, and he looks at Mac, his eyes asking _ what do we do? Where do we go from here? _

“Not that it concerns any of you,” Dennis starts, not taking his eyes off of Mac for even a second, “but I did some thinking in North Dakota. And I‘ve come to the conclusion that I’m… I’m gay.”

Frank whistles, low and smooth. Charlie looks up from a glue trap he’s messing around with, his face all too sincere. Dennis isn’t looking at him, though. He’s still looking at Mac. He’s always looking at Mac. 

“That’s great, Dennis,” Dee says. She has that tone of voice they both use on rare occasions, where they don’t have any reason to fight or yell and they’re just kind of there for each other. They used it a lot back in high school.

(_ “Eat something, Dennis. Please? _

_ “Mom didn’t really mean it.” _

_ “They don’t know shit. We’re fucking awesome.”) _

Mac smiles at Dennis, and Dennis smiles back and the world tilts the right way again. The _ them _question still hasn’t been answered, but it doesn’t really need to be, does it? This was always going to happen. They were all just waiting. 

**_______________________**

“You wanna go visit your dad?” Dennis asks one day. 

“Huh?” Mac says. They’ve just woken up. Mac has two mugs in his hand, and he’s twisted around to look at Dennis. He looks adorable, an observation that Dennis is going to keep to himself. 

“Your dad. Do you wanna go see him?” Dennis repeats, irritated. Mac smiles a little. 

“Is this cause of what Charlie said on the cruise ship? Cause, Den, I don’t care about that anymore.”

“No, asshole. I was just wondering, you know, if you didn’t have anything better to do today.” 

Mac’s smile grows, and he shakes his head softly. 

“We don’t have to do that. You don’t gotta do anything like that for me.”

“I’m not doing anything for _ you,” _Dennis spits, but stops himself. That’s just not true, and they both know it. 

“I’m not- It doesn’t matter if you don’t care, okay? I still feel bad about it. So let me feel less bad about it, dick.”

Mac walks over to Dennis and kisses him. He revels in the feeling of it being like the first time, every time, of finally having this after twenty five years of wanting it so badly. Dennis makes a surprised little sound against his mouth. 

“What was that for?” He asks after Mac pulls away. His hands are still resting on Mac’s shoulders, like he doesn’t want him to go. His body is always betraying his big mouth. 

“You’re so sweet,” is all Mac says. Dennis frowns, opens his mouth to protest. 

“We don’t have to do that today. But maybe soon,” Mac interrupts before Dennis can say anything. He pats Dennis’s cheek. 

They eat their breakfast with no further talk about Mac’s dad or prisons or Dennis’s sweeping romantic gestures. They smile at each other across the table through it all, though. Like lovesick teenagers on a first date. 

**_______________________**

There are still bad days. There are still days where they fight and scream and don’t talk to each other. There are days where Dennis doesn’t eat, doesn’t get out of bed, where he cries for hours or won’t even smile at Mac. There are days where Mac gets all weird about the religion thing, won’t let Dennis pick his brain about why he still goes to church or what he thinks God’s opinion of their relationship is. 

They are not magically made good people because they love each other. Being bad people does not make loving each other any easier or any harder. It is, at this point, simply a state of being. A routine so old you could do it with your eyes closed. There is something familiar in kissing Dennis, Mac notes, even if he’s only been doing it for a few weeks. Maybe it’s because his body is so finely tuned to Dennis’s; he’s spent the past twenty five years staring at the guy, he’s going to get a little familiar with how he looks and moves and talks. Mac thinks about that one book he read while Dennis was gone, that one quote he highlighted so hard the marker bled through. 

_ I could recognize him by touch alone, by smell; I would know him blind, by the way his breaths came and his feet struck the earth. I would know him in death, at the end of the world. _

_ Yeah, _ Mac thinks. _ I get what you mean, bro. _

**_______________________**

They’re fighting again, but it’s mild and more exasperation than anything. It’s all very cordial, right up until Dennis drops the fucking bombshell of the century. 

“Doesn’t it ever bother you, Mac, that I never say I love you?” 

Mac knows this one, he’s got it written down somewhere. Don’t entertain Dennis’s insecurities when they rear their ugly heads. But he can’t help it, because this is about _ them _now. He can’t just ignore it. 

“Honestly, Dennis? No. Because I know who you are. If I was just wasting my time, I wouldn’t be here!”

That’s not the answer either of them expected. They’re so used to _ yes, _ to _ get the fuck out, stay out, I never want to see you again. _They keep forgetting that neither of them are very good at staying away. 

“Why, Mac? Why… Why me?”

Mac snorts, like Dennis is telling a dumb joke. He shakes his head. 

“Because you’re _ you, _man. I know you’ve got all these walls or whatever, and I want to be respectful, okay? Let me do my own thing, I’ll let you do yours.”

Dennis just can’t let it go. 

“But why _ me? _ What’s so goddamn special about me? I mean Jesus, Mac, I couldn’t even come out until I was _ forty. _I’m wasting my fucking life, dude. What do you see?”

That’s a stupid fucking question. Dennis is everything Mac has ever wanted. He’s _ pretty. _ He’s sweet when he wants to be and mean the rest of the time and Mac loves it. He’s soft, his hair is soft and his skin is soft and when he looks up at Mac when he’s writhing and moaning whining underneath him, his eyes are impossibly soft and loving. Dennis is his best friend, he’s the love of his life, he’s his fucking _ soulmate. _Why is it Dennis? Because, God, after all this time, who the fuck else would it be? 

Mac doesn’t say any of that, though. No, he’s smart enough to know that brazen declarations of love are the last thing Dennis needs, right now or ever. 

“You’re an idiot. It’s _ you, _man. It’s always gonna be you. Till you get sick of me,” Mac says with a grin. Dennis rolls his eyes. 

“That would’ve happened already,” he says. He’s leaning towards Mac, though, bumping their shoulders together and kissing his cheek. 

Mac doesn’t need Dennis to _ tell _him that he loves him. Mac knows, in all the ways Dennis has started to soften around the edges, in all the ways he’s become more aware of other things outside of himself. Dennis is still Dennis, though. He’s still a selfish bastard who can’t seem to let things go or move on. 

And when Dennis leans in further, makes the first move, kisses Mac like he’s aching with the need to, Mac knows a thousand times over. Dennis doesn’t need to fucking say it. It’s all there, in the way their mouths move and their bodies lock together. It’s been there for twenty-five years. 

They’re going to wither and rot and break before they give each other up. And maybe that’s fucked up but God, when Dennis smiles against Mac’s mouth and makes a content noise at the back of his throat, Mac just doesn’t fucking _ care. _

**Author's Note:**

> this one has been.... a lot to write. i’m spiraling since the s14 premiere is in eight days. come yell at me on tumblr @yearningmacdennis or twitter @homopoets !! kudos and comments are as always very appreciated!!


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